


We ain't ash.

by sssssssim



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 15:47:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30024105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sssssssim/pseuds/sssssssim
Summary: After 10x18.There's a lot of silence between them. Daryl is the first one to break it.
Relationships: Daryl Dixon/Carol Peletier
Comments: 6
Kudos: 32





	We ain't ash.

**Author's Note:**

> nOw LoOK.  
> I genuinely thought I didn't care about twd anymore. Then this damn episode happened. And I guess I figured I only care about these two.  
> This is an angst fest with a happy (and totally unrealistic) ending.

There were no more words spoken between them, not that night.

Carol made a fire in the cabin, divided some food between them, careful to leave some for the morning. She took his to the porch, and he took it wordlessly.

She spent hours in silence, in a cabin Daryl once shared with… Carol spent a lot of hours thinking of Leah.

She was sure that she didn’t know everything. Daryl was never fond of talking about himself, but he was especially stringy with the details of this part of his life.

Which left Carol’s imagination to run free.

It didn’t matter, she supposed, how hurt she was by the fact that he didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell her about Leah.

What he had told her, it hurt Carol more. It was true, though. At the end of the day, Daryl was right.

She really did deserve it, deserve to be pushed away. It hurt, immensely, yes, but she deserved it.

They had ran out of luck and it was all her fault.

So in silence she sat.

And at night, when Daryl came in and shut the door behind him, the silence continued.

They went to sleep in separate rooms of the cabins, without sharing a word. He ordered Dog to go by her side, though, and that hurt Carol even more.

Because even though Daryl was angry, he was still taking care of her.

↓↑

Carol spent the entire night thinking about Daryl.

He was right to push her away. She was sure that without her there, Daryl had a real chance of living a good life. Maybe not with Connie, and maybe not with Leah. But with someone.

He was better off without her, she was holding him back. He was an incredible man, and without her hand in his life, Daryl had the potential to act like it.

And it hurt her, yes, but she loved him a lot. Carol loved him more than she thought was possible.

It was because of that, that she will be able to leave him.

She would do everything and anything for Daryl Dixon.

Even leaving him.

↓↑

In the morning, the silence continued.

They walked back to the bike, they hunted 15 squirrels through the woods. The bike ride back to Alexandria, they were silent all through it.

But as they made it back, Daryl stopped the bike and told her to get off. And she whistled to whomever was on the other side of the gate to keep it shut.

Carol was perplexed, even more so when Daryl broke the silence.

He looked into her eyes, even though it took a lot out of him. His hands were shaking, and she hadn’t seen that happening in… years. It rendered Carol completely silent.

‘Ever since this all started, I’ve learned a lot.’, he said in a lowered voice. ‘I’ve learned something from everyone we crossed paths with. I’ve learned…’, his voice shook. ‘I’ve learned how to be human.’

He took a deep, shaky breath, and looked away, hiding his eyes behind his hair. Dog nosed at his fingers, but Daryl didn’t react to it.

‘Before the world went to shit, I’ve only loved two things. Merle, and this old GI Joe doll I had when I was a kid.’

‘Figure.’, Carol said when he didn’t go on. ‘It’s an action figure, not a doll.’

Daryl rolled his eyes at her, but he was quick to grow serious again. And again, he looked away from her.

‘In the middle of the zombie apocalypse, I learned how to love. Rick. Carl. Andrea. Maggie, Glen. Hershel, Hershel Jr. Beth. Judith. Michonne. Eugene, Aaron, Gabriel, Lydia.’

His voice shook and, really, his entire body was shaking. But he looked up, and he looked into her eyes. There was pain there, a lot of it, but something else, too.

Something undefined, that Daryl always had in his eyes, when he looked at her.

Now, he pinned her with the look and Carol felt like she couldn’t move. She couldn’t even breathe.

‘I have never loved anyone as much as I love you.’

He did not go on, for a long time. Silence again, as he watched her.

With immense difficulty, Carol found her voice.

‘What does that mean?’

Daryl shook his head, anger coming up again. ‘Don’t act stupid, cause you ain’t.’

With his next breath, his voice softened. ‘You know what it means.’

Damn it, she knew. She had always assumed that maybe, his feelings didn’t stop with a best friend bracelet. Now, she knew. Now, she could read it in his eyes.

When had she started crying? Carol didn’t know.

‘Daryl, I-’

‘Don’t.’, he cut her off with a bit of strength. ‘I thought that maybe I’d be enough for you. I’m not, and that’s alright. Leave.’

‘What?’

‘Leave, Carol. It’s okay, you can go.’, he angrily pointed to the road behind them, voice raising. ‘But please, find something that’s enough for you. Something, someone, anything. Find it.’

Another deep breath, another control check on the tone of his voice. He looked at her, with tears in his eyes and a small frown between his brows.

‘Leave, run’, he breathed out, ‘and find whatever you need. Peace, love, another war, whatever. In this shitty world, you deserve whatever it is that you need.’

Daryl looked away, down to his scruffy boots. ‘You deserve everything.’

He was still shaking, his hands were still trembling, even as he scratched Dog behind his ears.

Carol was frozen. She couldn’t think, she couldn’t… What could she possibly say to make it better? Nothing that would come out of her mouth could make this better.

Daryl sniffed twice, wiped his eyes and nose with the back of his sleeve. Then, with uncertain steps, he made his way to her side. Gently, ever so gently, he grabbed the back of her head and kissed her forehead.

She sobbed, trying to swallow it up but unable to.

When Daryl pulled away, he pulled all the way away. He didn’t look at her again, he didn’t say another word. He grabbed his bike, wheeled it to the gate. Whistled for someone to open it, ordered Dog to come along.

And Carol was left standing there, outside of the walls of Alexandria, more alone than she had ever felt in her life. Knowing, fully well, that it was her doing, and it was what she deserved.

Maggie appeared in front of her, wearing a very shocked expression.

‘I heard everything, but… did that really happen?’

Again, a sobb tore through Carol’s chest. Maggie, ever the kind one, put a comforting hand on Carol’s arm, and guided her along.

In a daze, she followed Maggie.

↓↑

Three days later, Carol left Alexandria.

A lot of people tried to stop her. Daryl knew this, because when everyone inevitably failed, they came to him. He told them all the same thing: it’s better this way.

It wasn’t a lie. He really thought it was better, _for her_.

And while his heart hurt, constantly and stronger than a walker’s bite, he had comfort in knowing that there was a chance for Carol to be good. To be better.

Love was a shitty thing, these days. And Daryl Dixon was definitely not made for it.

↓↑

Maggie barged into his room, without knocking. He wasn’t even surprised.

He was sitting on the floor, his back to the couch, Dog sleeping in his lap. She wordlessly sat down next to him, pressing their sides together.

‘She left.’, Maggie said softly.

He hummed.

‘You gonna be okay?’

Daryl snorted. ‘Aren’t I always?’

Maggie huffed, annoyed, and elbowed his stomach. But she relaxed quickly enough.

‘You know I was there, right? On the wall? I heard everything.’

He was vaguely aware of that, but he really hoped she wouldn’t bring it up. It took some time, but he managed to look at her. Surprisingly enough, Maggie was smiling.

‘You know Rick and Glenn had a bet going on?’

Daryl frowned at the sudden change in topic. ‘What bet?’

Smirking, she all but winked at him. ‘About how you and Carol will finally get together.’

He was blushing, for sure, but he ignored it, and narrowed his eyes.

Maggie rested her head on his shoulder, and while he couldn’t really see it, he heard the smile in her voice as she explained. 

‘Glenn, ever the romantic, thought that it was gonna happen in a calm moment. You’ll settle down, no war, no fight. You’ll just wake up one day and figure it out. Rick, on the other hand, thought that it’ll happen right in the middle of a fight. Fight for your lives, weapons, blood, death, the whole nine yards. And you’ll survive, and be so happy and relieved about it, that you won’t be able to stay apart anymore.’

Daryl took a moment to gather his thoughts, to move past the Carol shaped hole in his heart, added to the emptiness that came after losing his friends.

‘I don’t need this right now.’, he said in a lowered voice.

‘I know.’, Maggie answered in kind. ‘But, whatever you need? I’m here.’

Nodding, he tried to keep his crying at bay. He was almost successful, but then Maggie whispered that it was okay, and he let go of everything. Daryl was ashamed, but he cried and let Maggie hold him through it.

Carol leaving, it was better that way, but not for him.

↓↑

Life went on, as it did. It had been 37 days since she left, but Daryl was the only one counting.

Things were calm in Alexandria. Normal. As normal as can be.

Daryl had spent the past two days in the woods, sixty miles away, hunting. He brought back three deers and two boars, but he was exhausted, and everyone knew to leave him alone to sleep it off.

So why the hell was someone knocking on his door, making Dog bark?

‘I’m sleeping!’, he yelled, heavily annoyed. 

‘Then wake up, pookie!’

It was her voice and Daryl fell off the couch in his haste to get to the door. 

He opened it, and there she was. Carol, alive and well, smiling softly. Her wet hair braided messily, wearing a red plaid shirt, barefeet.

‘May I come in?’

Daryl was too shocked to do anything but take a step back.

She kept smiling, even as she closed the door behind her.

‘What are you doing?’, he managed to breathe out.

‘I’m good, you?’

Carol was teasing him, and he couldn’t handle it. His next breath was shaky and uneven. She saw it, and it made the snark disappear from her expression.

‘You talked last time. It’s my turn, yeah?’

He managed to nod, making her smile softly at him.

‘I didn’t leave because I wanted to get away from here, or from you. I didn’t leave because you told me to. I left because I needed a minute, to get my head straight.’

She chuckled, but it was a shaky sound.

‘Just so you know, I liked you first.’

He snorted at that, a memory from a time long ago coming back to him.

Carol smiled wider, but it fell soon enough.

‘I loved you for so long, and I’ve always wanted you.’

Daryl had to look away at that, he couldn’t look at her anymore. But he knew that she didn’t. And sure enough, Carol went on. Slowly, in a soft lowered voice, but a strong one, sure in what she was saying.

‘I never thought you would ever be ready to be with someone that way. You… And then you were, and you lost her, and then I-...’

She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

‘I screwed up. I always screwed up, and I can’t promise you that I won’t do it again.’

He looked up at that, had to see her eyes. There wasn’t pain in them, and that surprised Daryl.

‘I might want to run again. But if that happens again, then you better stop me, Daryl.’

‘What does that mean?’, he breathed out.

Carol smiled, just a little wider. ‘We ain’t ashes, right? I thought our luck ran out, but…’, she chuckled. ‘An hour outside of Alexandria, I look down and I see a double capper. Made it to a small town, figure I’d try my luck at a gardening store, maybe it wasn’t completely cleared out.’

She breathed out, looking incredulous. ‘There were a few bags of Cherokee Roses seeds. And then, as if that wasn’t enough!’

Carol didn’t really go on. Instead, she reached for her back pocket and pulled something out.

And when Daryl saw what she was giving him, he all but broke down, right then and there. Because it was a damn GI Joe doll. It wasn’t the one he had as a kid, but it didn’t matter.

He took it with shaky fingers, but it felt so incredibly heavy in his hand, he let it fall by his side.

Daryl didn’t really understand what was happening. He had hope, though, because damn it, she was there. Carol was right in front of him, she was smiling at him, and she was giving him more hope than ever before.

‘What do you need?’, he managed to whisper.

‘You.’, she didn’t hesitate.

It was hard to believe, but then Carol took a few tiny steps until she was standing right in front of him, less than a hair away. He stared at her, could not look away.

‘If I do something now’, she whispered, ‘are you going to get angry?’

He shook his head.

‘Are you going to… freeze?’

Again, he shook his head. 

‘Okay then.’

Carol took a deep breath. Then she gently pushed his hair away from his face, like she always did. But, unlike before, then her fingers went to the back of his neck. She was not harsh about it, but she pulled Daryl’s head down.

When she kissed him, it wasn’t like Daryl stopped breathing, it was like he was breathing again for the first time in a very, very long time.

It didn’t last long, but it meant the world. Her warmth against his chest, her lips on his, her fingers on his neck, the damn doll in his hand… It was real.

Maybe Daryl wasn’t made for love. But maybe she could teach him.

Carol pulled away, and she smiled widely at him. There was love in her eyes, damn it, he saw it now. He saw it clearly.

But she moved to leave, and Daryl couldn’t have that. He grabbed her wrist and, somewhat desperately, told her ‘Don’t go.’

‘No?’, she was surprised.

‘Don’t go.’, he said again.

Carol smiled, just a hint of teasing. ‘You don’t wanna sit on it? Think about it? Maybe-’

‘No. If you’re staying, then you’re staying. Here, with me.’

Her expression softened and she moved her wrist out of his hold, grabbed his hand instead, locked their fingers together.

‘I’m not going anywhere. And Maggie told me you’ve been hunting. You gotta be exhausted.’

‘So?’

She rolled her eyes briefly, even as she tightened her hold on his fingers.

‘I don’t know how we’re both gonna fit on that couch.’

Daryl snorted, said a very sure ‘We’ll figure it out.’, and kissed her.

Properly kissed her, like he’s been wanting to do for years. Honestly, Carol responded to his desperation in kind.

↓↑

When she got home from her shift on the wall, Maggie expected to find Carol and Daryl in the kitchen, catching up, maybe making some dinner.

Instead, she found the kitchen empty, and the kids outside, playing fetch with Dog.

‘What happened?’, she asked, concerned.

‘Carol went to Uncle Daryl’s room.’, Judith said. ‘We didn’t hear any crying or yelling or anything.’

‘Okay.’, Maggie frowned.

‘Dog came up ten minutes later.’ Hershel explained.

‘That was three hours ago.’, Lydia added with wide eyes. ‘I wanted to check in on them, but I also… didn’t.’

‘Oh, boy.’, Maggie breathed out, understanding what the younger girl was implying.

Still, she went to check. When she didn’t hear absolutely no sounds coming from the basement room, she risked and opened the door.

Carol and Daryl were sleeping soundly, on the floor, on a mattress made of couch cushions and pillows. Maggie wasn’t completely sure they were clothed underneath the blankets, but she didn’t really care, right then. She cared more about the fact that they were holding each other, and finally getting the rest they needed. Together.


End file.
